Maybe it’s my sickness. Maybe it’s coz my walk with God hasn’t been that steady lately. But for the last few days, I have been beginning to doubt God and am terrified as to what my future holds.
Two more months and I’ll be making my way back to Singapore. I’m looking forward to meeting up with family and old friends. Then there’s the food and the cheap shopping…but to spend the rest of my life there? Shudder. The weather doesn’t agree with me. I get horrible sinus attacks and the lifestyle…well…maybe I’ve just been away too long. I don’t know.
I cannot imagine myself staying in Singapore for an extended period of time. Yet, it seems that God is calling me back to Singapore. And in accordance to my epiphany in July – I have said I would do God’s will, and if it entails returning to Singapore, I will do so.
My question now is, does God exist? What if He isn’t real? I’ve come to the conclusion that he wants me back in Singapore and so I’m not really fighting it because I want to do His will. But what if He isn’t real? I’m returning coz I tell myself I should trust God and God’s not going to make me hate my experience wherever I may be. And maybe he just wants me to return to Singapore to learn something.
And since my heart really lies overseas, He’ll eventually bring me away from Singapore. But what if He doesn’t? What if He isn’t even real and hence would not lead me away from Singapore and make me hate every single day of the rest of my life?
Working myself into a frenzy here. I’m scared half to death. I am extremely resistant to the idea of staying in Singapore for an indefinite period of time. I know that I should trust in God, but I still can’t help feeling scared because I honestly have no idea what my future holds for me. I don’t know what I’m going to do next year! What will my career be? Will I even get a job?
And yet…God seemed to already know that I would get to this point. My daily devotional reading for the day, courtesy of Rick Warren and his Purpose Driven Life, said this:
God develops real peace within us, not by making things go the way we planned, but by allowing times of chaos and confusion. Anyone can be peaceful watching a beautiful sunset or relaxing on vacation. We learn real peace by choosing to trust God in circumstances in which we are tempted to worry or be afraid. Likewise, patience is developed in circumstances in which we’re forced to wait and are tempted to be angry or have a short fuse.
Peace – to trust that it will all work out when I return to Singapore. I don’t know how, but to simply have faith in God and trust that he would be there for me.
Patience – I want to know what my future would be like. But I just have to wait, and it will all be revealed…
Not easy....
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