Relax already

I have an extremely bad habit that I've recognised and have been trying to shake for years. I succeeded for a few years, but I'm beginning to discover that it's coming back with a vengeance.

I can't seem to relax.

By that I mean I need to be in a constant state of doing something "productive". I feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm relaxing, doing nothing, watching TV . . . I think it's why I took up knitting so enthusiastically. So that I'm actually doing something I feel is productive, instead of simply sitting on a couch, watching TV.

It's also probably why I decided to take up post-graduate studies. So that when work's over, I don't just have the opportunity to relax and chill out in the evenings/weekends, I actually have something I deem productive to do.

I'm a fiend when it comes to to-do lists. I love writing them and ticking them off. I'm always thinking of something else to add to it and get this immense sense of satisfaction when I am able to cross them out.

I don't believe myself when I look at my day and realise that perhaps, I don't really have anything else to do and I can spend some time reading a book or watching TV. Instead, I potter around the house looking for something to clean, rearrange or pack.

I feel like I need to be in this constant flux of activity, doing something, creating something.

Wanting to be productive is not a bad thing, but when you get to the point where you feel like you need to be doing something all the time, I think it's time to get some kind of help.

The lucky thing is that because of my religious beliefs, Saturday is a special day for me in which I try to connect with God, obeying his directives to take some time out to rest. So instead of buzzing with activity all the time, I manage to find one day a week to disconnect from it all. But come Sunday, I'm panicking again if I've got nothing to do.

What is it with life that we can't feel that we can relax anymore? That we actually feel guilty about simply enjoying being in the moment? We've been pushed too often to succeed, to achieve, to be productive that perhaps sometimes, we're wanting to attain too much, forgetting the need to step away and recharge.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can enjoy my Friday evening pamper sessions without feeling guilty. At the moment, it feels more like a task that I have to do, and not a special treat, which defeats the whole purpose!