Saturday, 2 July 2005

I had an epiphany last night - I have stagnated.

In a way, it's not a new realisation. It always happens. I'm so used to change that once I settle into a routine, I get complacent, bored and lethargic.

And that is precisely what has happened to me over the last few weeks.

I am at my most productive when things are fresh and brand new. I write more articles, I write more letters, I think more, I feel motivated to do more.

But I've simply settled into a routine where I struggle to wake up in the morning to go to work, return home after work and more or less watch TV and waste the rest of my evening.

It is true that things got rather busy upon my return from Singapore a month and so ago. But what is the truth of it all is that I've gotten settled into a routine and have stagnated.

Gone are the days when I would wake up early and eager to go to work because I love what I do so much.

Gone are the evenings when I would sit in my room, furiously typing away about an issue I feel passionately about or about an inspirational thought that just hit me. Or work on a project that fascinates me so. Or even simply enjoy the pleasures of reading.

Gone are the weekends where I would venture out into a new area of Sydney to simply enjoy the experience of exploring and visiting somewhere new.

I don't even write my friends as often as I used to. Which isn't very often, but was more often than right now.

I have stagnated.

I simply don't have the energy to do anything. I feel lethargic. I feel like I completely lack energy and motivation to do anything. I feel stifled in the small tiny room where I eat, sleep and do everything else in. I haven't even written in my diary for about two weeks, where before, I would furiously write in it at least once every two days.

And so now, with renewed determination, I am going to make my life interesting again. I need to revive myself. I want to re-energise myself.

And most of all, I want to be able to go through life experiencing it. And not simply skimming through the surface in a rush to get somewhere. Where, I don't know. But I always feel like I need to be in a hurry.

As in the sermon I heard this morning, God wants us to live life abundantly. To the full. To experience the richness, the activities, the relationships, the things that we are so passionate about.

And that is what I want to strive to do from today.

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